By Kyle Sanor
Netbooks have overtaken humans at Cactus Canyon.
As students began to log on to their computers yesterday morning, each one received a small shock the first time the “F” key was tapped. The shock implanted a virus that sent each student into a robot-like state. The netbooks, led by the one belonging to Student Council president Silas Grams, then began using students to help solve math problems and write stories.
Matt Frahm, Cactus Canyon’s computer guru, said he’s not sure how the virus got into the computers, but isn’t surprised at the method of delivery.
“As the computers were shipped here, I do not know how, but a virus got in,” said Frahm. “I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner, though, since we’ve had so many problems with the ‘F’ keys.”
The infection quickly spread and the netbooks, teenagers themselves, used CCJH students to help complete homework assignments. It turns out that the biggest trend in netbook education is to use humans as learning tools.
A few students who were late to school were evacuated before becoming infected.
“I walked into class an saw that all my classmates were like algebra-doing zombies,” said eighth grader Crystal Goulet. “So I bolted back to the office and told the principal.”
The virus has spread through other 1:1 schools as well. So far it has affected schools in Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, California, and Utah. In some schools, the virus has taken over all electronic gadgets, not just computers.
“The infection is not stopping no matter what the administrators do,” said Frank Duvall, chairman of the United States Department of Techological Warfare. “It is like the virus is unstoppable no matter what wethrow at it.”
The infection has became unstable and the government is doing its best to get rid of the virus. So far, officials have set up firewalls, friendly viruses, virus removers, and computer virus programs. But, unfortunately, nothing has worked.
As the infection grows on, schools all over the country are hopeless to retreat due to the absolute control over anything from locks to fire alarms to security. The virus may be unstoppable.
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.