Archive for the ‘Parody’ Category

Photo by Morgan Christensen

By Morgan Christensen
Staff writer

It turns out there is a good reason Cactus Canyon boys leave PE smelling like they were dunked in Axe Body Spray.
A secret conveyor belt was discovered last week in the boys PE locker room. The machine, thought to have been built about five years ago, takes each boy into an underground room and dips him into a giant tub of Axe.
The conveyor belt has been kept secret since it was built by form PE coach Terry Blitz. Even Larry LaPrise, the school’s principal, didn’t know about it.
“I can’t believe something like this could exist without me knowing about it,” he said. “I’m just glad we found it so we can get the Axe smell under control.
Students and teachers have long complained about the smell of boys that come out of the locker room. The boys, though, have claimed they smell fantastic, spraying it in classrooms and on the bus when riding back home from school.
“They don’t smell like a hint of Axe,” Cece Enger said. “They don’t smell like a smidgen of Axe. They smell like they were dipped in a tub of Axe, and I’m not surprised to find out they were.”
Investigators suspect that Coach Blitz was supplying the Axe himself, suggesting he “knows a guy” who brings in a semi truck full of Axe.
Despite the discovery, many boys still claim they have never used the conveyor belt and have only Axed up with their own personal supply.
“All we do is spray in stick figures,” Simon Random said. “A long spray across each arm, then down each leg, then over our core and into our faces. What’s wrong with that?”
The proof, though, is in the locker room. Many don’t even dare to go in and see. Those who do come out coughing. Because the smell is so overwhelming, those entering must wear a gas mask.
“I think it is gross,” Joyce Gingrich, CCJH assistant principal said. “If I had known earlier I would have put a stop to it.”
Tina Harshman, whose classroom connects to the boys locker room, has noticed a significant decrease in the amount of Axe that floats in her air space.
“I can breathe better than I have in years,” she said. “But I’m pretty sure that my lungs will never fully recover.”
Mr. LaPrise has hired nuclear power plant workers to remove the tub of cologne and convert the conveyor belt to a new machine that will transport students to ELO, tutoring, and detention.
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.
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CCJH replaces referrals with dungeon

Posted: December 20, 2011 in Parody

Photo by Morgan Christensen

By Ciara Daniels
Staff writer

Cactus Canyon Junior High has replaced referrals with a newly built dungeon. Beginning in the second semester, any student exhibiting behavior that would normally result in a referral, will now be escorted to the dungeon beneath the gym floor.
Instead of getting sent to the office, offending students will be escorted to the dungeon where they will be chained to the wall until the day’s final bell rings. Retired sports administrator and assistant principal, Rick Donnelly, will be in charge of the dungeon at all times.
“I know the dungeon punishment seems a tad harsh,” said Mr. Donnelly. “But if you think about it, it’s totally and completely reasonable. It’ll the kids too scared to get in trouble. And with a campus full of perfectly behaved children, I’ll have nothing to do and I’ll be able to turn the dungeon into a giant retired-man cave.”
Principal Larry LaPrise decided to get rid of the referrals because he and the other administrators were seeing the same students in the office over and over.
“We decided to have a new punishment – the dungeon – because certain students seem to be in my office on a daily basis,” said Assistant Principal Joyce Gingrich. “Since the students don’t show any care for the referrals, we decided to come up with an even bigger punishment.”
Students in the dungeon will be let out of their chains for five minutes to eat a bagged lunch of bread, butter, and warm water, but will not be able to make any verbal or physical contact with any other students in the dungeon. Any violation of rules will result in two more days in the dungeon.
Some students aren’t too happy about the dungeon idea.
“It’s a terrible plan,” said eighth grader Frank Duvall. “I used to get sent to the office every day, but now I will actually have to behave myself. I don’t want to get sent to Ol’ Dungeon Donnelly.”
Parents, however, have been very supportive of the idea.
“I’ve had noting but positive feedback,” said Mr. LaPrise. “Most of the parents I’ve talked to have asked if they could rent out the dungeon on the weekends. Besides keeping the students in line, we might be able to make some money.”
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.

Photo by Morgan Christensen

By Layla Heninger
Staff writer

When students arrived at Cactus Canyon Monday morning, they were flabbergasted when they saw that language arts teacher Mr. Heermans had turned himself into a cyborg.
Mr. Heermans is known among students for using as much technology as possible in his lessons and he felt this was the next logical step.
“I used all the technology I could find in my teaching,” he said. “The only way to possibly use more, was to turn myself into a robot. Now I’m all tech, all the time.
Sunday night, while he was in his classroom planning lessons, he decided to use Google for the instructions and by the end of the night, he was turned into a cyborg.
“All I needed was a Wii remote, a couple of cables, and a keyboard,” Mr. Heermans said. “And, voila, half-man, half-robot.”
The students asked him why he did it and he just said that he loved technology so much.
Students think it’s weird that someone would turn themselves into a bionic man just want to be all techie.
“I think he is really strange for turning himself into a cyborg,” said Julia Valgento. “It seems like he could find better uses for a Wii remote.”
Parents are worried that not a lot of teaching will go on now because students will be more interested in how Heermans operates than learning nouns and verbs. Some are scared he will try to turn the kids bionic also.
“I don’t want my child to come home as a robot,” said parent Mary Jackson.
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.

Principal at CCJH starts food fight

Posted: December 20, 2011 in Parody

Photo by Morgan Christensen

By Kelsey Martinez
Staff writer

Wednesday afternoon Lawrence LaPrise, principal of Cactus Canyon Junior High started a food fight in the cafeteria during the eighth graders lunch period.
The food fight began after LaPrise found out the cafeteria wasn’t serving teriyaki and rice that day because they only served it on Tuesday. He then took a piece of pepperoni pizza which was being served that day and threw it at a student.
“I was just so disappointed and angry at not having my favorite lunch,” said Mr. LaPrise. “I’d been waiting all week to eat my teriyaki and rice.”
Eighth grader Simon Way was the one to to be hit with the piece of pizza. He threw his sub sandwich at the student he thought threw the pizza. It then led to an avalanche of students throwing their lunch’s at each other.
“I’m just glad I didn’t get detention or anything,” said Way. “I still can’t believe it was our principal who started it to begin with.”
The food fight went for almost 15 minutes, eventually being stopped by assistant principal Joyce Gingrich. The mess was cleaned up afterward by Mr. Laprise and every student who had ate in the cafeteria during lunch on Wednesday.
“How childish of Mr. Laprise to start a food fight,” said Mrs. Gingirch. “Though it sure sounds likes him to throw a piece of pizza at a student just because he hadn’t gotten his favorite lunch.”
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.

(Photo by Morgan Christensen)

By Paige Mace
Staff writer

One of the many selling points for Cactus Canyon is its wide offering of elective courses. Student can take drama, journalism, and robotics, to name a few, but it’s safe to say that no other junior high is offering a course in Klingon.
CCJH language William Hulsey is now teaching Star Trek fanatics how to speak Klingon. Hulsey started to teach the language this year after learning to speak it when he was only 8 years old.
Hulsey speaks 32 different languages fluently. Students have said it is as if he was born speaking all of them.
“I love to teach kids how to speak Klingon, because it is different,” said Hulsey. “I have made it so that only Star Trek fanatics can get in this class. They have to answer a certain Shatner-related question correctly, and if they don’t get it right then they will have to pick a different class.”
Stewart Law, an eighth grader at CCJH, is a Star Trek fanatic is in Hulsey’s class. Law thinks that Klingon is a very easy language to learn.
“I have always wanted to be able to speak Klingon,” said Law. “And now that I am speaking it I am very excited to speak to my peers. I can’t believe how many people are in the class though; it amazes me.”
Law has been a Star Trek fanatic since he was 3 years old, and has collected an entire room full of movie memorabilia.
“Mr. Hulsey is such a great teacher,” said Law. “He knows every single word in the Klingon language.”
Everyone in Hulsey’s class enjoys learning so much that every student is getting an A.
“I love how all the kids are always turning in their work on time,” Mr. Hulsey said. “They actually listen to me talk instead of texting each other.”
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.

Photo by Morgan Christensen

By Ashley Renowden
Staff writer

Every week, Journalism II class comes up with nine new stories to update the Cougar News Blog. But now, with many new story ideas exhausted, they are taking story writing to another level.
When the first-hour bell rang Monday morning, three students were on the scene, fedoras on, and recorders in hand. As teachers check e-mails, J2 students are there to get the story. When the announcements come on, a reporter is in the office to get Mrs. Gingrich’s reaction. In order to get nine stories a week, students are about absolutely everything.
Reporters are required to get a student and a teacher source for each story, and some teachers have been interviewed many times this year. Now it’s gotten even worse.
“They have interviewed me too many times in their stories,” said teacher Lisa Smith. “I’m sick of getting their e-mails for everything. And now I have to answer questions about the color of a netbook case? Silliness.”
Last week, when the Internet went down and teachers had to take attendance on paper, Kyle Sanor and Ciara Daniels were outside of the 700 building, just waiting to get their interviews.
“The computers weren’t working so every teacher had to send up their attendance,” said Principal Larry LaPrise. “I was in an important meeting when I got two e-mails from journalism students about attendance. What’s next, the bell ringing? Nevermind, they already did that.”
Jason Davis, the J2 instructor, likes that his students are going out of their way to write stories.
“The nine of them are doing a great job producing stories,” he said. “They have their netbooks ready and keyboards blazing. It makes me feel good about my life that I taught them how to find a story in everything.”
Fingers typing and eyes reading, the J2 students are always writing stories in and out of class. No matter how important or unimportant, the CNB will continue to be loaded with CCJH news.
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.

Photo by Morgan Christensen

By Bailey Beringer
Staff writer

A man dressed as a woman was named Clubbin’ Queen at the popular dance hall Clubbin’ Beasts Friday in Phoenix.
After being kicked out of the club earlier that evening, Jason Davis put on a wig, a dress and was named the top female clubber. The victory was short-lived, however, as Davis’ wig fell off and he was disqualified.
Davis attends the club almost every Friday and Saturday night, except this Friday was different. Davis was kicked out for taking food from other people’s tables while trying to feed it to them., then putting it on their heads claiming its moisturizer.
“Davis is one of our most known clubbers of all time,” said Jonathan Stewart, the owner of Clubbin’ Beasts. “But I don’t know what happened to him that night. He was being so weird that we had to send him home.”
After being kicked out around 11 p.m., Davis returned a hours later, dressed as a woman.
“I had to do something,” he said. “Since I was disqualified from having a chance to be best male clubber.”
After Davis, using the pseudonym Janice, was given the title of Clubbin’ Queen, Andy Bernard was chosen Clubbin’ King.
After the contestants were given their trophies, Davis’ wig fell off, exposing his true identity and eliminating him from the competition.
“I was devastated after being kicked out of my club,” said Davis. “After having my wig fall off, that’s a whole other feeling.”
“Winning best male clubber is an exquisite thought,” said Andy Bernard. “After I found out I was sharing it with another male, it ruined everything.”
Stewart said Davis won’t be allowed back in Clubbin’ Beasts.
“After tonight,” he said, “both female and male Davis are no longer welcome in my club.”
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.

Netbooks taking over Cactus Canyon

Posted: December 20, 2011 in Parody

Photo by Morgan Christensen

By Kyle Sanor
Staff writer

Netbooks have overtaken humans at Cactus Canyon.
As students began to log on to their computers yesterday morning, each one received a small shock the first time the “F” key was tapped. The shock implanted a virus that sent each student into a robot-like state. The netbooks, led by the one belonging to Student Council president Silas Grams, then began using students to help solve math problems and write stories.
Matt Frahm, Cactus Canyon’s computer guru, said he’s not sure how the virus got into the computers, but isn’t surprised at the method of delivery.
“As the computers were shipped here, I do not know how, but a virus got in,” said Frahm. “I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner, though, since we’ve had so many problems with the ‘F’ keys.”
The infection quickly spread and the netbooks, teenagers themselves, used CCJH students to help complete homework assignments. It turns out that the biggest trend in netbook education is to use humans as learning tools.
A few students who were late to school were evacuated before becoming infected.
“I walked into class an saw that all my classmates were like algebra-doing zombies,” said eighth grader Crystal Goulet. “So I bolted back to the office and told the principal.”
The virus has spread through other 1:1 schools as well. So far it has affected schools in Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, California, and Utah. In some schools, the virus has taken over all electronic gadgets, not just computers.
“The infection is not stopping no matter what the administrators do,” said Frank Duvall, chairman of the United States Department of Techological Warfare. “It is like the virus is unstoppable no matter what wethrow at it.”
The infection has became unstable and the government is doing its best to get rid of the virus. So far, officials have set up firewalls, friendly viruses, virus removers, and computer virus programs. But, unfortunately, nothing has worked.
As the infection grows on, schools all over the country are hopeless to retreat due to the absolute control over anything from locks to fire alarms to security. The virus may be unstoppable.
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.

Photo by Morgan Christensen

By Thayne Jackson
Staff writer

The Journalism II class at Cactus Canyon took a trip to Neverland on Christmas Eve to help replace the Neverland News Team that mysteriously disappeared the previous day.
When the students stepped off the magic airplane that took them to Neverland, they were greeted by the crew of Lost Boys and NNT CEO Peter Pan. After a short meeting, the group got straight to work creating a TV broadcast covering of the news of the day.
They wrote stories of growing problems on the island, including a lack of belief in fairies that is causing people to fall from the sky and the evolution of pirate fashion.
“It was a great group exercise,” said Journalism teacher Jason Davis. “It really proved to be a challenge, but I knew that my J2 kids could handle it.”
The team came together and consisted of a mix of Journalism students and Lost Boys. Peter Pan was the main anchor with Captain Hook as the field reporter.
“I despise working with those wretched kids,” said Captain Hook. “But I have to do it if I want to be caught up on the latest pirate fashion.”
The first show reported on the disappearance of the last news crew. The lost boys covered the map of the island while hook was at the alleged vanishing point of the team.
“Everyone worked excellent,” said Peter Pan. “Even that old cod fish Hook didn’t do too bad.”
“My favorite parts were the pirate fashion segments,” Morgan Christensen said. I especially liked Fairy Say What? and Yo Ho Ho, It’s a Pirate’s Closet For Me.”
The J2 students were able to travel back to Cactus Canyon at the end of the day as the original news team was discovered in a closet at Tinkerbell’s house. The team said it was playing hide and seek, but no one came to tell them the game was over.
“It was a very fun time in Neverland,” said Jason Davis. “We definitely will be back to see how are swashbuckling friends are doing with their news.”
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.