Photo by Morgan Christensen
By Morgan Christensen
It turns out there is a good reason Cactus Canyon boys leave PE smelling like they were dunked in Axe Body Spray.
A secret conveyor belt was discovered last week in the boys PE locker room. The machine, thought to have been built about five years ago, takes each boy into an underground room and dips him into a giant tub of Axe.
The conveyor belt has been kept secret since it was built by form PE coach Terry Blitz. Even Larry LaPrise, the school’s principal, didn’t know about it.
“I can’t believe something like this could exist without me knowing about it,” he said. “I’m just glad we found it so we can get the Axe smell under control.
Students and teachers have long complained about the smell of boys that come out of the locker room. The boys, though, have claimed they smell fantastic, spraying it in classrooms and on the bus when riding back home from school.
“They don’t smell like a hint of Axe,” Cece Enger said. “They don’t smell like a smidgen of Axe. They smell like they were dipped in a tub of Axe, and I’m not surprised to find out they were.”
Investigators suspect that Coach Blitz was supplying the Axe himself, suggesting he “knows a guy” who brings in a semi truck full of Axe.
Despite the discovery, many boys still claim they have never used the conveyor belt and have only Axed up with their own personal supply.
“All we do is spray in stick figures,” Simon Random said. “A long spray across each arm, then down each leg, then over our core and into our faces. What’s wrong with that?”
The proof, though, is in the locker room. Many don’t even dare to go in and see. Those who do come out coughing. Because the smell is so overwhelming, those entering must wear a gas mask.
“I think it is gross,” Joyce Gingrich, CCJH assistant principal said. “If I had known earlier I would have put a stop to it.”
Tina Harshman, whose classroom connects to the boys locker room, has noticed a significant decrease in the amount of Axe that floats in her air space.
“I can breathe better than I have in years,” she said. “But I’m pretty sure that my lungs will never fully recover.”
Mr. LaPrise has hired nuclear power plant workers to remove the tub of cologne and convert the conveyor belt to a new machine that will transport students to ELO, tutoring, and detention.
Editor’s note: This story is entirely made up. Nothing in it actually happened and no one was actually interviewed. All information, quotes, and, in some cases, people, are completely fake. We hope you enjoyed reading and got a good laugh.